I started to leave my head uncovered 10
days ago. Until then, I had felt naked not covering my bald head when I’m
outside the house even if it’s just a few steps from the door. I'd pull on my
head scarf when there are visitors. I just felt naked without it.
A timely reminder from a friend set me
thinking, “There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are showing people this is
what cancer survivors are going through in their process of recovery.” I admit
that I’m not comfortable exposing my baldness due to my vanity. But under the hot
weather, taking my hat off gives instant relief as sweat trickling down my
forehead. Even then, I still hesitated in stepping out of my comfort
zone. I don’t want heads turn as I walk pass.
But remove my hat I did, for the first
time in the public when I went jungle trekking the next day after the conversation with my
friend. Except for a few brief and curious stare from some kids, nothing happen.
It was so refreshing feeling the breeze against my scalp.
I started to bare my head when going out
to get groceries and meeting with friends. However, I still felt a tinge of “uncomfortableness”
in doing so. But there is a voice in me
that dare me to continue.
On yesterday’s Wesak celebration, encouraged
by this voice and motivated by the hot sun I went to the Buddhist temple and
joined the procession bald headed. This means the whole community in this small
settlement where everybody knows everybody saw me. I even have to go up the
stage to say a few words on the fund raising we were doing. I was a little
self-conscious and that’s just about it. Some asked me why I shaved while others
who know my condition were cool about it.
The next morning, I felt incredibly good.
A familiar sense of empowerment came washing over -- I will decide when and where to cover or expose my head, not dictated by what others will think. I embrace my baldness. Now I know what the voice is
trying to tell me. The self-consciousness was disempowering. Having to hide my
baldness countered the joy I had from being authentic. My subconscious was not
at peace with it and hence the voice. It feels good to have the power back.
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| First jungle trekking in 7 months after the surgery and appearing in public without my crown |
