It
has been five months and six rounds of chemo (sixth and last round on 28th
Feb) since my diagnosis during which I have the luxury of “me time” spent in
reflection. From unsettling thoughts to insightful discernment, there are things
that I used to say but they are now uttered with conviction and reverberate through
every part of my being.
I’m
referring to my relationship with my life and mortality.
I
know very well that being sick and dying happen to everyone, that nothing is
permanent. However, they were always other people’s stories. This time, it is
different. Things happened to me. Although it is not terminal and I’ve declared
myself a survivor, this first person view has put things in better perspective
and advanced my relationship with life and mortality.
After
the diagnosis, news or articles of death relating to cancer disturbed me. When
I read studies on cancer survival rate, I felt I’m part of the statistics. I
don’t know whether this is a common symptom among cancer survivors. What it did to me was striking me with a
sudden wave of anxiety at the thought of death. I couldn’t explain why it was
so terrifying. On hindsight, I now realize that it was the first time I had a
glimpse of the finishing line. We all know we are going to die one day but it
is always a remote idea. Very few had the opportunity to come so close to the
finishing line, even if it’s just in their mind. It’s like we have been on a
cruise to a destination which the arrival date is unknown. The journey feels
like forever and we identify ourselves as a permanent passenger more than a
traveller. Along the cruise, we learn from and indulge in everything our senses
could feed us, form relationships, accumulate treasures and memories. This is
the only world we know. We are too occupied with it we forget about the
destination or what happen when we get there. After all, it is a strange and far
away land. So, we continue to cruise. I’m on the cruise having the time of my
life when somebody shouts the land of my destination suddenly appear in the
horizon. I am to abandon everything and prepare to disembark anytime. Only me.
To an unknown land. The faint sight of my destination makes me nervous. For all
the stories I heard about it on the cruise, I realize I haven’t been preparing
myself enough for it. There is no definite date of arrival yet. Each day on the
cruise will bring me closer there, I just don’t know when. And I hate
surprises. This explains the anxiety I felt.
By
now, I’ve learned the best way to deal with it is to make peace. Make peace
with mortality. I have to say, seeing it so up close is very from different
from knowing it. It is a reality vs an idea.
The
reality started to sink in after I saw a video shared on FB. It wasn’t
something new but it struck a chord with me at just the right time. Death is a
natural phenomenon, just like sickness. But it strikes fear every time it’s
mentioned. Our society defies death and sickness. We struggle with it. Very
often, this is what makes it more unbearable than the physical suffering. People
accumulate too much, be it possessions or hatred/ regret, to let go. And the
uncertainty of what’s in store for them beyond the finishing line makes it scarier.
The
fact is we don’t suddenly become peaceful at the moment of death. It is how we
live that builds up to the last moment. Perhaps I should add; it is how we
live, fully aware of the finishing line that builds up to the last moment. Note
it is how, not what. Living to the fullest to me doesn’t include how many
countries I’ve visited, whether I’ve done bungee jumping and skydiving or tasted
all the rare delicacies. What is more
important is, am I fully there? Am I fully there to experience the richness of
my emotions? I vividly remember the feeling I had when I took a sip of the hot
soup during lunch alone in a shopping mall and another time while watching my two
cats playing. I don’t have enough vocabulary in me to describe but it just
felt…”that’s all I need right now”
Although I can proudly say I have not wasted my life, I now
have a deeper appreciation in living it.
Presence and authenticity. Living with them have enriched my
life in ways more than I could imagine. At the very least, being whole and
fulfilled are not just words now. I can feel it. I feel so light and yet
grounded by a strong sense of “being”, as opposed to this feeling I once
described as walking on the street but felt “not fully there” as if a part of
me has been locked away in a safe.
I
like where I am now in my journey. Being aware of the final destination but not
knowing when I’ll reach makes enjoying it the best thing to do. I look forward
to exploring the rest of it. I treasure the connections with my fellow
travellers. And I can imagine I’ll continue to grow as I sail on. When I feel
safe and loved, the transition is not so dreadful anymore. Because I’m home already. It
is the very purpose of the whole journey.
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