If
you believe that the purpose of our lives is to learn and evolve, it has its
own intelligent way of presenting its lessons and set you up for a test when it
thinks you are ready to ascend to the next level. Being diagnosed with cancer
is one of those tests. On 2nd October, the day after my 42nd
birthday it came unannounced. Mammogram and ultrasound results showed a lump
highly suggestive of malignancy. Strange enough, I wasn’t panic and intend to
go ahead with my plan for that day – lunch followed by a movie – until a friend
literally forced me to set an appointment with a breast surgeon immediately.
I’m supposed to report to her on my procrastination (knowing it is something I
sometimes resort to on things I don’t like doing). So I went for the appointment
and biopsy the next day. Doctor said it looked like either pre-cancer (and pray
that it is) or early stage, and went on to explain the possible treatments and
that the survival rate for such cases in very high. But I have to wait two to
three working days for the biopsy results. That happened to be over a weekend.
The wait was torturing.
Balancing between hoping for the best and preparing for
the worst was a challenge. The former sounds like a denial and that I’d have to
deal with the disappointment if it’s not what I’ve hoped for while the latter
is against the Law of Attraction (I soon realize that’s not the right way it is
used) *sigh*. It came to a point that I
simply surrender, having faith that
whatever happens it is for my highest good. That gave instant relief. It is
also at this point that I learned how important it is to one’s feelings acknowledged. I felt irritated when someone said, “Aiya,
don’t worry la. I think it’s not cancer.” I know they meant well but it doesn’t help
having my feeling denied (I can’t help feeling belittled).
On
the day of the verdict, I waited with my sister for about two hours and try to
meditate on my anxiety. I kept telling myself whatever I’d hear is just
information that will decide the next course of action, to put it very
rationally. The first thing the doctor said was, “The result is not very good”.
I felt my heart plummeted to the bottom of my gut. But I regained my
composure soon enough. It’s Stage 2. The surgery (lumpectomy) was fixed on four
days later. Biopsy result from the surgery will determine the treatments that
will follow. The doctor again assured us that breast cancer of early stages
have high recovery rate. Stepping out of the doctor’s room, I was more relieved
than when I went in. I have no doubt that this cancer will not take my life and
what lies ahead. Things were certain. Now I can tell with certainty that I’m a
creature that hates uncertainty. But isn’t life uncertain? That day,
impermanence came knocking to remind me.
How
did I take it? Pretty cool, I think. Having been around for 42 years and the skills
I picked up along the way prepared me for this. I have gone beyond the “Why
me!’ stage. No issue with acceptance. I
have no anger or sadness in me. I have always believed that things happen for a
purpose. This is another lesson in my life syllabus. Might have as well embrace it courageously. It
is easier said than done. But you know what? It is the courage to embrace that
empowers me. And the courage comes from?
Self love.
But
it’s impossible to be totally unaffected. First, is the worry whether I’ll be
strong enough to cope with treatments that might follow. The idea of having of
going through chemotherapy scares the heck out of me. Second is dealing with
the sudden change. I have to drop all my
work, change my diet and lifestyle. The focus now would be to prepare for the
surgery, go through the paperwork for insurance coverage (my agent cum good
friend have been tremendously helpful), plan my menu and sleep early. The
biggest adjustment of all is getting used to the label, cancer patient.
Throughout
the few days leading to the surgery, I kept forgetting there’s cancer tumor in
me because I felt perfectly healthy. Hey, I just finished an 8km-marathon a
month ago! Okay, I actually walked most of the time. I don’t feel sick at all. Except
for some bones heard cracking while climbing the stairs, my medical reports
were clean. I do yoga and jungle trekking every week. It’s hard to internalize the fact that I’m a
patient. It’s not a denial but the label is inconsistent with what I’m
experiencing. Labeling is indeed unhealthy and a distortion to one’s emotional
quality. A more objective description of my condition should be a healthy
person with a cancer tumor found in her body that needs to be removed or else,
it would be life threatening.
Since
I spent the days at home eating home cooked meals and having nothing else to
do, some thoughts will inevitably go through my mind like, “Is this bad karma
ripening?” True. What we experience now is a result of something we did in the
past. The Law of Karma is more than just settling old debts. That’s
deterministic. I believe all the universal laws are meant for the mortals to
learn. I would like to think of it as a calling to learn from the experience
what we haven’t fully comprehended in the past. What happen to us physically is
universal to everyone but the reactions may differ. If you are at peace with
what is, there’s no such thing as bad or good karma ripening. It’s just cause
and effect. Congratulations! You’re almost there. For those who react with
bitterness or resistance, the lesson is presenting itself yet again. The
outcome can either be (1) you grow from it or (2) you create more bitterness and
plant the seed for another lesson in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment