Fear

Seeing how I manage since my diagnosis, friends generally said I’m a strong person. I didn't pretend to be strong. I am the way I am because I’m at peace with it. But I’m not fearless. There were moments when the fear was very real. I’m not referring to the kind of fear that suggests immediate danger to our personal safety. I've learned that the best way to deal with fear (or any negative emotion), is to face it. That means to acknowledge its existence and not running away from it. Easier said than done. Being in fear is very uncomfortable. We feel not in control. There are uncertainties. We imagine all the possibilities that freak us out even more.

Sometimes we don’t realize we are trying to run away. Diverting our attention, reacting in anger, denial – these are some of our favourite escape mechanisms from fear. From past experience, they only give temporary relief, if any at all.

I experienced different phases of fear since the first biopsy. Sometimes it was right in my face that it suffocated me or it could build up subtly and crept in when my level of awareness was low. Since fear and inner peace cannot coexist and the latter is very important to me, I have to use whatever skills I have to deal with my fear.

As much as I don’t like its visit, I know I can’t keep it at bay. It’s like one of those annoying, nosy, know-it-all, ranks on the top of the family hierarchy relatives who you are obliged to let into your house. So the best way live with it is to get to know them and find ways to disarm them.

My fear happened in different phases. After having it as my frequent guest and seen how I react in each phase, I gained some insight into fear management. It will be my tool when I feel its presence, and to be improved as I work on them.

     (a)  Be aware that past experience and information we picked up randomly form our perception. When we   hear the big word CANCER, the images that come to the mind are of patients in pain and long intensive treatments with no guaranteed success. Life would take a drastic change to a bitter struggle to live as long as they can. The same goes for chemotherapy. I dreaded chemo (but it happened anyway) because of the horror stories I heard about it like cancer patients died of the side effects from chemo, not the cancer. I remember vividly a scene from the movie Dying Young where male character vomited violently after his chemo.

     

         Know this and get the facts right. People tend to exaggerate stories, possibly to make it more impressive or out of the necessity to drive home a point. Worse goes for stuff we see on tv and movies. Find out from the correct sources. Listen objectively. The information that helped me most was from those who had gone through the same experience and the doctors. They put things in perspective and a more positive outlook for me. I had a better grasp of how things would evolve and feel more in control. It also helps to stay out of negative people and absorb as much positive stories as possible during this time.

     (b)  Next is the fear of an impending event, something inevitable.  During the times leading to my post-surgery biopsy results and first chemotherapy session, fear would strike me in the middle of my sleep (be it during a nap or at night). While I have done my homework on what to expect, I still have that underlying fear of how it would actually turn out.  

     

          And I was convinced yet again that the best way to overcome is always is to go through it. Most of the time it’s our projection of how things will be that scares the s**t out of us. I didn’t die of shock on hearing my biopsy result although certain part of the news caused some fear due to reason as in (a.) above.   I just went through my second chemo session. The level of physical discomfort was like what was described to me – uncomfortable but bearable. Emotionally, it wasn’t even half as difficult as enduring the ordeal from speculating how hard it is going to be. 

         Just do it. The act itself dispels fear for we can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Pay attention on what we do and experience just as it is. Nothing more, nothing less. Stop speculating and stay in the present moment. I can promise that it is not fearful as we thought. The bonus is it might have an irreversible gut boosting effect. You’ll emerge from it a more courageous person.

    (c)   Now that I’m at peace with the treatment, another lesson presents itself -- the fear of recurrence (relapse) in the future, and death. It is partly the result of reading up too much on the internet. 

         This is fear of a possibility. Although I've been exposed to contemplation of death in my spiritual practice and even attended courses about it, it was never felt so real like this time. This is by far the closest I've come face to face with death. It may sound ridiculous but that shows just how farsighted I am. 

         I’m uncomfortable with it. I know I’m letting it affects my emotional quality for something that might not happen at all. There’s a thing with fear. We’ll get tired of being scared after some time. It leads us to look deeply into the cause the fear. Since it is just a possibility, it’s really silly to be scared. But the paradox is, uncertainty is the very reason for the fear. 

    

           Then it dawn on me that it is just a matter of choice. Given the time I have (which nobody will know how much), I can either choose to nourish my body and soul or to live in fear. While the future is unpredictable, it will be definitely be influenced by what we do NOW. Do what is within our control and live by it. Live well and live fully. If what has to happen really happens, refer to (a) and (b) for guidance.

Throughout my relationship with fear, I benefit greatly from the practice of mindfulness. This is a practice in Buddhism (but is not exclusively practiced by the Buddhists) taught through meditation. One learns to see things as they are, experience the phenomenon at the present moment, without judgment and resistance.

The most fearful thing is fear itself. Most of the time, we are crippled by fear instead of what is actually happening. The key is, don’t fear fear. The more we get to understand it, the better we can manage it.